


When I Grow Up

by Severina



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Gapfillerpalooza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-17
Updated: 2005-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-14 16:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Severina/pseuds/Severina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hates indecision.  He hates the heaviness in his chest and the tight lines of his jaw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Grow Up

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 505  
> Written for LJ's Gapfillerpalooza

Justin remembers writing those essays for school. “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up”, by Justin Taylor, age 7. Age 10. Age 12. It didn’t matter what grade he was in, the answer was always the same. He wanted to be an artist. He wanted to draw. He wanted to create.

By the time he was attending St. James, the essay would have been amended to include something about falling in love, being happy. But of course, teachers didn’t make students write those stupid essays in secondary school. He included the addendum in his head.

He can’t remember a time when his path wasn’t clear. Even when things like a wonky hand or a violin concerto got in the way, he always managed to dodge the rubble and find his way again. It was the thing that set him apart from his peers, the thing that made the difference between a forgotten one-night-stand and a four year relationship: Justin knew what he wanted, and he found a way to get it.

He hates indecision. He hates the heaviness in his chest and the tight lines of his jaw. He thinks about talking to Daphne, but how can he explain that he doesn’t know what he wants because he wants it all? Commitment and devotion and maybe, someday, a family of his own; freedom and independence and being beholden to no one. He wants a house in the suburbs and a penthouse suite. He wants a puppy and a mortgage; he wants to travel the world, stopping wherever and whenever he chooses.

His head hurts from trying to figure it out.

So he tries to focus on the one thing that still makes sense. He is an artist. He still wants to draw. He still wants to create.

So he’ll create.

He pours his anger and frustration onto the page, seeing JT and Rage come to life under his hand. He draws until his hand aches and a thin line of pain skitters across his skull. And when the loft door slides open sometime before two a.m. and Brian comes home, Justin still isn’t any closer to an answer.


End file.
